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This season of “America’s Next Top Model” has a theme, and it’s not “be fierce.” The theme is Saving the Planet (or something like that), and girls will live in a green (aka eco-friendly) house, which, I think, is very cool.

The thirteen hopefuls moved into the Green House, and the drama starts almost immediately. A feud erupts between Bianca and Lisa, resulting in a half-assed kiss-and-make-up session which Bianca later admitted she only did so that she wouldn’t get called out during panel. Heather, the girl with Asperberger’s syndrome (a mild form of Autism, in her words), feels isolated from the rest of the girls and spends a lot of time reading and cleaning on her own. The other girls are actually sort of mean to her, which is so wrong. Ebony, the self-described bitch from the first episode, seems to have done a complete 180 and is now actually quite chill. Let’s see how long that lasts.

In model business, the girls have their first photo shoot, which is designed to show them the dangers of smoking. They take two shots, the first in which they look all cool and glamourous smoking their cigs, and the second in which they look like cancer patients. During panel, we see that the images have been Photoshopped together so it looks like the sexy-smoker girl is looking at herself in the mirror as a cancer victim. Ay, Tyra. You and your issues. I guess I can’t hate on you for trying to get people to stop smoking.

Saliesha, so far my favorite girl on the show, wins the Old Navy Personal Style Challenge and gets a $1000 gift certificate to the store. Wow, $1000 will buy you quite a lot of ribbed t-shirts.

Judging time comes along and Heather is the first to get called up (take that, haters!). Mila and Ebony land in the bottom two, and after Tyra points out their flaws, Mila is sent home.

Then, Tyra announces that this season of “Top Model” is a non-smoking season, meaning none of the girls are allowed to smoke. Now, I detest smokers as much as the next chica, but that’s a little ridiculous. I mean, isn’t Tyra supposed to be teaching these girls to be top models? Don’t all top models smoke? I get what she’s trying to do, promote a healthier image of modeling, but something about Tyra when she gets in Mama mode just rubs me the wrong way.

So, what did you all think of Cane? Loved it? Hated it? Will you watch again?

Unfortunately, the ratings for the long-awaited show (by Latinos, anyway) weren’t quite so, uh, sweet. Here’s what Benjamin Toff of the New York Times had to say:

“Cane,” CBS’s new drama with Jimmy Smits, was hardly an instant hit in the ratings Tuesday. According to Nielsen’s estimates, the series drew a modest 11.1 million viewers at 10 p.m., up 100,000 viewers compared to last year’s premiere of “Smith” in the time slot but down 20 percent in the demographic prized by advertisers, adults 18 to 49. (CBS canceled “Smith” after just three episodes.)

Here’s what that means in plain inglés: a fair amount of people watched “Cane,” but not enough 18-49 year olds, who are the people advertisers are after, because they buy stuff. Really, the advertisers don’t care how many 50+ people watch a show, since they can’t sell them Nissans and McDonald’s and Pepsi.

In terms of quality, I thought the show was better than expected, but not as good as I would have hoped. So far, the show is leaning more towards Dallas-style melodrama than Sopranos-esque brilliance.

You can read more about the show here, then hit me up with your comments and tell me if you’ll keep watching. More of us better, or else CBS is gonna cancel!

Dear ABC People,

Your shows have taken over my life. We get it, your fall lineup is amazing. But please, “Dancing with the Stars” three nights in a row? I have plants that need watering, hair that needs washing, dishes that need doing, none of which will happen because I will be glued to my couch, watching your C-List celebrities dance their ways into my (and America’s) hearts.

Sincerely,
Vivo por TiVo

Oh well, if you can’t beat ‘em, recap ‘em:

The show started off with a little bit of a twist in that the first challenge is…men versus women! Groundbreaking. Last night the women showed off their moves, tonight, the men get to step up. Wednesday, at the Results Show, somebody goes home.

So, who are these men and women who will spend the season fighting for the top spot? The mujeres include Jenni Garth (Kelly Taylor from “Beverly Hills, 90210″), some model/actress named Josie Maran, Sabrina, one of the Disney Channel’s Cheetah Girls, Marie Osmond, Jane Seymour (remember, “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”?), and, our personal favorite, Mel B. a.k.a. Scarry Spice from the Spice Girls!

On the boy’s side, we have Cameron Mathison, host of “I Want to be a Soap Star,” who trips walking down the stairs, boxer Floyd Mayweather, Indy 500 champ Helio Castroneves, model Albert Reed, billionaire Mark Cuban, and Vegas icon Wayne Newton.

And now, for the dancing. The first challenge is a fox trot or cha-cha. Jennie Garth goes up first with her partner Derek. They dance to “Uptown Girl.” Jennie does pretty well, and the judges agree, telling her that in general her hip action is good, but her legs could use some work. Jennie and Derek go home with straight 7’s, not bad for the first number.

Josie Maran is up next. Her partner Alec hilariously points out that she is deceptively unfit for a model, and compares her body to Jell-O. Ouch! He makes Josie work out to build muscle. On the dance floor, Josie and Alec do an okay job, but the judges aren’t thrilled. They get a 16 out of 30.

Sabrina the Cheetah Girl is next, along with her partner Mark, who tries like hell to get Sabrina to stop dancing hip-hop and get her hips to move Latin-style. Good luck with that, Mark. Eventually, he gives up, and just tries to incorporate some hip-hop into the cha-cha. They dance to the Pussycat Dolls, and guess what? The crowd goes wild! Seriously, standing ovation. The judges love them too, giving them 26 out of 30.

Marie Osmond takes the stage with her partner Jonathan. They dance to “I Hear a Symphony,” some oldie we’ve never heard before. They’re not too shabby, and Marie totally charms the judges, who give them straight 7s.

The Spice Girl, Mel B, is next, and boy is she in great shape for having just had Eddie Murphy’s baby. Her partner Maks doesn’t like that she’s so dominating, and tells her she needs to let him take control. Yeah, right, Maks. Mel B doesn’t look like she lets anybody control her. Maks and Mel make it though their routine without killing each other, and get themselves straight 8s. Not too shabby.

Last, but not least, Dr. Quinn herself, Jane Seymour. She tells her partner Tony that their strategy should be “class and grace,” and that she should be like “an English rose.” So, the old British lady wants to come across as classy. Boy, that’s quite original. Anyway, Jane and Tony do their fox trot, and are actually pretty damn good, even though their choreography was kind of boring. The judges say…straight 8s.

That means Cheetah Sabrina and Mark take the lead, with a 26 out of 30 score! Tonight, the men step to the plate. Can’t wait!

Between 9 and 9:30pm last night, things got a little ugly for me. Some cruel, thoughtless network programming executive decided to run the last half-hour of “Dancing with the Stars” at the same time as the first half-hour of “Heroes.” Shame on you, Mr. Executive. Still, with some skilled channel-surfing I was able to watch both shows simultaneously, and I’ve got the recaps to prove it. First up, “Heroes”…

After last season’s finale, which left Sylar, Peter and Nathan for dead, Parkman badly injured, and Claire and Molly in some pretty serious danger, we’ve been on the edge of our seat waiting to see what would become of them. Last night, we found out in the show’s season premiere, titled “Four Months Later,” (maybe they should make that “Four Long Months Later”).

So here’s the scoop: The characters are spread out even further around the globe, now in Egypt, Japan, Ireland, Honduras and the US.

Claire and the Bennett’s have moved to Costa Verde, an O.C.-like California town. Claire starts a new school and must adjust, which, of course, is not so easy for her. Especially since the head cheerleader at her new school keeps getting in her face, challenging her “Bring It On”-style. Claire also meets a student named West, who has his own super powers. But Claire doesn’t know this yet, all she knows is that he’s a hottie.

Parkman, now an NYPD cop, and Mohinder have been harboring Molly at Mohinder’s place. Molly has been having bad nightmares and making strange drawings in class, presumably of Sylar, but no word yet on whether Sylar is dead or alive. Mohinder and Mr. Bennett have been working on a plan to infiltrate Mohinder into The Company, and bring that sucker down.

Hiro has teleported himself to ancient Japan and finds himself in the middle of a battle in 1671. He comes face-to-face with his own hero, Takezo Kensei, saves him from the battle, only to realize that Kenzei isn’t who he thought he was. To make a long story short, Hiro saved the wrong guy, and is told he must marry some guy’s daughter to save the village. Back in current time, Kaito, Hiro’s father finds a picture of himself with an S scrawled on it. Somehow he knows that this means he’s going to die. Sure enough, he dies.

But Nathan Petrelli is still alive! Except he has a Unabomber-style beard and seems to have become an alcoholic. He kicks his mom out of his apartment after calling her evil and as she leaves, she sees the same “S” death notice that Kaito saw.

Now for the fun- “Heroes” gets some new characters this season, and two of these are siblings Maya (Dania Ramirez) and Alejandro (Shalim Ortiz). All that we know about them is that they are running from the authorities in Honduras, trying to get to New York to see Mohinder. Maya apparently has the ability to kill people, but we don’t know how just yet. Her brother, Alejandro, doesn’t seem to have any powers, but I’m guessing that will change.

So what about Peter? Dead or alive? Well, shocker, he’s alive. He’s locked up in a cargo container in Ireland when some theives looking for a shipment of iPods discover him instead. Bummer for those theives. Peter still has his powers, but he also doesn’t seem to know who he is. Props to the writers of “Heroes” for setting up what is sure to be an exciting new season.