Marriage Is Like Russian Roulette
Tonight I attended a swanky fundraiser for the Hispanic Scholarship Fund with my super successful cousin. I awkwardly sipped Champagne in my $50 Zara dress and tried to make intelligent conversation with ridiculously rich people.
After dinner, I somehow found myself bonding with Julio, a recently divorced man and advertising executive.
“Marriage is like Russian roulette,” he announced.
“Really?” I inquired, a bit disconcerted that such a definitive statement had been made by someone who had been through it.
“Absolutely. You’re taking a big risk when you get married,” Julio assured me.
“Um, yeah I guess so…since more marriages these days end in divorce,” I replied.”What’s the main reason you got divorced,” I asked, figuring if he was going to keep it real with me I could be blunt.
“We disagreed on how to raise kids. She thought a TV was a babysitter for children. I want to talk to my kids during dinner!” he explained.
“Didn’t you guys talk about raising kids before you got hitched?” I inquired.
“Yes, but what she said and what did was a DIFFERENT story,” quipped Julio. “You need to watch out for your future in-laws,” he added and I looked at him with a puzzled look on my face.
“How your in-laws act is very indicative of how your husband is going to treat you in the future,” he responded. “My parents were loving and showed affection. They had books in the house. Her parents? Not so much.”
Heavy words right? What do you think about Julio’s philosophy? Does your partner act like his or her parents? What if someone you love hails from a super dysfunctional family? I dated enough guys in the past who are estranged from their parents and they’re kinda effed up over it. I don’t ever want to deal with that drama again. Is a messed up familia a red flag for you?
Un Abrazo Fuerte,
Lex
It’s true to a point. My husband came from a dysfunctional family and early in our relatioship he did things that were not appropriate (i.e. lying to me about being in one place but really hanging out with friends). He felt that it was not a big deal (This kind of behaviour is learned from your first relationship and that’s with your family). I did not accept this kind of behavior and set my boundaries early on in our relationshiop and we decided to go to couple’s therapy. We both became aware of our behavior and as long as you are aware and willing to make progress within yourself then it will work out. The key is being aware of yourself and what you have to offer to others. Our relationship now is awesome!!!
I would have to agree with Julio. Although it’s possible to break vicious cycles, the majority of people can’t. My father could never be the husband my mom wanted him to be because he came from an effed up family that didn’t respect each other. I’ve dated men/boys in the past who also came from families who didn’t love each other and they were never as stable and secure as I wanted them to be. I’m with the love of my life now and have never been this happy. He comes from an amazing family that loves, respects, and passes knowledge down to one other. His father actually washes dishes!
I can only pray my future with him is comparable.
I also agree with the other posts, it is true but it is up to an individual to change it. If the family is off and your possible mate has no grips and is oknay with it, that is a huge red flag. If your possible mate does comment on it and lives their life differently with a positive twist then I believe they really do want to change. Most people will keep in contact even though they are messed up, the thing is as long as they don’t hang around enough to get caught up in the drama.
I completely agree with the notion that it is difficult to have a promising and wonderful life with someone who is dysfunctional and who has never healed from the problems that he/she had growing up in their families. There is a definite risk when it comes to getting married. There is no guarantee that the two of you are going to live happily ever after and that life will be just peaches and cream. That is not reality. We live in a generation where there are more demands placed on both husbands and wives. If couples do not work on their marriage and are not committed to each other, than the relationship is not going to last. However, there are plenty of individuals who have come from broken homes, and who decide early on that they want something better for their lives, and they pursue that and their relationships flourish.
I think it’s true to some extent but I have to say that NO ONE comes from a perfect background. We are all raised by different people and every person has baggage, unresolved issues, etc. Some people are more affected than others. I believe it influences behavior but at the same time once you’re an adult you have the power to change your life and your behavior. No marriage is perfect, it takes work to make a relationship work. I think it takes a certain type of person to have that drive to want better and learn from their past.
I have to say that I kind of agree with Julio. My bf is adopted and his parents are sooooo loving…soooo soooo loving…..they took me in right in and treated me like a daughter. My family on the other hand is more like the mafia and once you do something wrong you are cut off from all resources. Needless to say me moving to NY against their will meant I was cut off.
With that being said…coming from 2 different lifestyles it def shows in our relationship. I have walked out on him and he calls me sooo upset…and I realized I cant do that to him anymore bc that brings back memories of his mother giving him up. I dont want him to keep going through women leaving him. I think its all about being self concious and knowing where you came from. Communication is key…..we talk about everything…so when it comes time to have kids and get married there will be no suprises. He knows I am not family oriented and he is…sooo we are still working on that….but after my boook is written…to answer your question…yes a messed up family can be a BIG red flag and it can be a little red flag…but it is a red flag…
Ciao’