The Dirty Crush
This past weekend I was on assignment for a story. I had to pretend to act drunk and flirt with men…and women! Yup, I actually get paid for doing loca things like this.
My photographer and I stopped into Henrietta Hudson, a well known lesbian club in the city. Pardon my ignorance, but being raised in a religious household, if we ever talked about gay people it mostly pertained to men. Granted, I have several lesbian and bisexual friends but I was astounded by all the proud Latina women drinking margaritas and getting their groove on. I loved it!
I started chatting up Claudia, who had been previously married to a man. “I know you’re Puerto Rican by the way you move,” she said with a smile. “So did you always know you were gay or was this something you realized at a later age?” I asked her.
“I was always attracted to men and women. I just fall in love with the person, not the gender,” she explained. Claudia was dancing with a cute girl sporting a faux hawk and gentle smile. Her name was Sonia, she’s 21 years old and was visiting from France.
Before I realized what was happening Sonia and I were totally chilling and involved in a convo. “People in New York City are nicer than Parisians,” said Sonia. I was amazed at every word that came out of her mouth, she was so cute with her sexy French accent.
Claudia joined us and said, “Isn’t Alexis so pretty? She’s the kind of girl that doesn’t need make up, right?” Sonia agreed. I laughed nervously and blurted out to Sonia that I thought she was gorgeous. My face turned red, my palms were sweating and there I was—crushing on a girl on a hot summer night in NYC!
Sonia and I shared a few dances together. We had a fun time holding hands and twirling each other around. It kind of felt like a slumber party but instead of dancing with a good friend I was getting down with a girl crush.
I obviously feel a bit weird about all of this. Sure, I’ve made out with a friend or two in the past but it was all in good fun. Do you guys think this means I’m bisexual? Should I explore this other side of me? I’m not really sure if I could get past my family’s religioso guilt, plus, I’m pretty sure Sam would get jealous too. Have you chicas ever crushed on a girl?
Un Abrazo Fuerte,
Alexis
Alexis You are just feeling what comes naturally to many women - a deep appreciation for the beauty, creativity, and all around coolness of a strong woman. I don’t think this makes you bisexual but instead makes you open to recognizing the beauty in all things - regardless of fronteras. Good for you!
I must first say that I am hooked on your blog! I love all of your topics. But especially this one. I have had the same feelings with hanging out with really cool and down to earth beautiful chicas. You do find your self strangly attracted to them. Its doesnt mean you are bisexual. I tend to believe you just tend to like there personality and you appreciate their beauty. Otherwise I would have to admit that I was bisexual. Which to be honest I am not. I love men, there body, their smell and a couple of extras…. Wink wink! I think your super beautiful and would agree with the lesbians that said your beautiful in the way that you wouldnt need makeup. I think I have a girl crush on you. But as for you being Bisexual only you know your true feelings on how you feel about women. If you feel the need to explore that side I say go for it.
Lauren - wow! Thanks for the kind words — I have to admit Latina has posted a really nice photo of me. I don’t always look that glamorous in person.
RE: Sonia — she was so adorable. Perhaps I should stop by Henrietta Hudson’s this weekend to see if she’s there again? I swear I never had such a crush on a girl before!!!!
I agree with Lauren. I read your blog for inspiration when writing my own. I’m really feelin’ the content and it’s like we’re living parallel lives sometimes. I’ve also been in a few situations where I was strongly attracted to intelligent, strong, humble and beautiful women, which lead to me questioning my sexuality. I’ve been intimate with a woman once, but never identify myself as bisexual. It’s really weird and probably a result of growing up with a family that tolerated many things except homosexuality. Sometimes I feel like I’m in denial, but I also consider myself in touch with who I am and my attraction to women is best kept inside. It’s like my own little fantasy life that can never be played out and I’m fine with it as long as I live it out in my head.
Just last month, I ran into local O.G. rapper Medusa at a club. I’ve met her a couple times before when covering shows, but this time she was flirting with me and I was feeling her. When we realized we were both Pisces, the attraction grew even deeper and before I knew it, she was asking me to kick it sometime. I instantly came back to reality: I’m in a very serious relationship with a man I love and cheating is cheating. I told her this and she was sweet/open enough to not be mad at it. She still shoots me texts when she has a show and I still fantasize about being intimate with a woman…
Thanks for bringing out many women’s secrets, Lex.
I agree with the other chicas. It’s not about the sex or gender but about the personality. If you feel like persuing a relationship or exploring than go for it. You can’t knock it until you try it.
I see sexuality as a spectrum. there is no one or the other. I have had my fair share of girl crushes and yes in my wilder college days have kissed a girl or 2. I don’t think that makes me Bisexual. I think I am in touch with my sexuality and can appreciate beauty. Don’t think of it as “Dirty Crush” how can it when all women are beautiful. Just go for whatever feels natural to you.
Alexis,
I do not think that you are bisexual, but merely had a girl crush. You enjoyed her company without all the sexual tension that sometimes comes immediately with hanging out with guys. I think you were able to let your guard down and just enjoy the night without having to worry about where things my lead. You look amazing in your photo…
NOPE NEVER HAD A GURL CRUSH BUT I THINK U SHOULD EXPLORE THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT UR JUST CURIOUS AND REMEMBER YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE AND PLUS IM SURE ALL WOMEN ALWAYS GIVE MEN NUMEROUS CHANCES SO IF U HAD A GREAT TIME WITH A GURL GOOD FOR YOU
Being surrounded by women who have no inhibitions, no judgment, and who admire you for who you are inspire other women. Being in an environment of acceptance, strength and beauty is empowering and inviting. I too have been surrounded by women who are lesbian and bisexual and have found a strong attraction to them. I once felt love and a strong attraction to one of my best friends who is bisexual and was convinced that I was in love with her and I felt a bit confused about my own sexuality. Never the less we became best friends almost sisters and each and every single time I hang-out with her I feel magic, love, inspiration and peace. Society feels threatened by large groups of women hanging out especially if their sexuality is other than “Straight”. But who cares what society thinks, its all about YOU. If you feel GOOD then enjoy it. Don’t feel bad or “Dirty” its a natural attraction and you should explore your feelings about this. You never know, this person might become and important friend or role model in your life.
Meshell
Gender shouldn’t be matter if you feel a deep connection with the person thats all that counts. I think your should explore it.
I think its natural to feel that way. I dont believe it means you bisexual.
Hahahaha nah like everyone’s said its totally normal. My friends and I say “You’re not bisexual really, you’re just ‘bicurious’.”