It’s go time.

–

8:00pm - “The nation is gripped?” Maybe pre-pubescent girls, closeted teens and grandmas (and yes, me). But I don’t know about The Nation. Btw, loving David Cook (henceforth referred to as Cookie) and David Archuleta (heretofore known as Chuleta) in their white-on-white outfits.

8:01pm - According to Ryan Seacrest, 97.5 million votes came in last night, which is over 23 million more than the show’s previous record. One David got 56%, and the other 44%. Holy shnikes. Can we just fast forward to 9:58 and get these crazy results?

8:03pm - Mikalah Gordon, a news reporter from Kansas City, is brought to us via satellite to report on the mayhem in Cookie’s hometown…and she’s a total hoochie. “It is hooooot tonight in Kansas City, people!!! David Cook rooocks,” she coos, as though she’s already fantasizing about meeting him backstage on the Idol tour.

8:05pm - The Top 12 are back, and they’re joined by past contestants from So You Think You Can Dance! There’s no way the latter will come close to fulfilling the void left by Idol when it premieres tomorrow night.

8:06pm - Aw, look at Jason Castro doing the 2-step!

8:09pm - I really thought that Cookie could transcend Chris Daughtry, until he started happily wallowing in modern-rock muck and referring to a Collective Soul cover as the key evidence of his artistic progression. Honestly though, seeing him and Chuleta sing this Nickelback tune just highlights how utterly opposite they are. If Chuleta wins, I won’t be devastated.

8:11:pm - Guru Pitkah? I don’t remember Guru Pitkah…Oh. It’s just an incredibly offensive Mike Myers-as-Indian superstar. I can’t believe that it’s still okay to make racist crap like this.

8:12pm - Do you think Cookie really wanted to spend a day at the movies with 17-year old Chuleta?

8:13pm - Mike Myers to David Cook: “The last time I saw stubble like that I was at the Melrose Place party listening to Alice ‘N Chains on my Discman…and other ’90s references.” Haha!

8:15pm - Myers just rolled onto the stage on a carpet with wheels, bowed and said “Mariska Hargitay.” I repeat, why is this ok???

8:19pm - Syesha Mercado’s back, and she’s duetting with Seal! Work it mami…the judges can’t ruin this one!

8:21pm - Ok, Syesha’s not doing that well. Lucky for her (but not us), neither is Seal.

8:23pm - I’m not convinced that Heidi Klum would sound worse than Syesha if she were the one harmonizing with her hubby right now. This is heinous!

8:27pm - Yessssss, Jason Castro is singing “Hallelujah” again. Yes, I have goosebumps. I. Love. Jason. Castro.

8:28pm - Are they letting him go solo with this performance? Are they acknowledging that he’s really this big a deal? Oh man, this is amazing.

8:29pm - End song. Cut to Melinda Doolittle (what the hell ever happened to her?) shaking her head in awe. Cut to Janice Dickinson clapping feverishly. Cue my misty eyes.

8:31pm - Ryan is now referring to the guys collectively as “Davids.” We prefer our nicknames.

8:32pm - Davids just won Ford Escape Hybrids, BROUGHT TO THEM COURTESY OF FORD. My first thought: is Chuleta allowed to drive? My second thought: They’ll probably be able to afford a much hotter set of wheels in oh, 24 hours. How about a Porsche Cayenne? Cadillac Escalade, perhaps?

8:35pm - I’ll confess it right now: I have never understood Amanda Overmyer’s appeal. Hearing her sing is like listening to Janis Joplin choke on marbles…in other words, not good.

8:35pm - Work it, Carly Smithson! You could’ve, maybe even should’ve, won this whole joint.

8:37pm - Ramiele Malubay is so useless.

8:38pm - Why is Donna Summer singing on American Idol? Because she has an album coming out soon, of course.

8:39pm - Every time Syesha sings, I wish it were Carly Smithson instead. Why does she get to have the only two female duets of the night?

8:40pm - Awwww yeah, Marissa Jaret Winokur is in the hizzouse! Hey Idol producers, here’s a thought: keep cutting to the C-listers and convince me that I am increasingly lame for watching this show.

8:45pm - Ryan’s speaking of shock departures…does this mean Carly Smithson’s about to sing?

8:46pm - Yes! And she’s looking fabulous. Michael Johns will be joining her soon, so I’m going to enjoy this solo moment while I can.

8:47pm - Ugh, this Aussie dude is so overrated. Let Carly sing solo, please.

8:48pm - Carly is kicking his ass so hard right now. No other female from this season would’ve been capable of doing this.

8:50pm - I dont’ even know the name of the “celebrity” they just cut to in the audience.

8:51pm - Jimmy Kimmel just called this show the culmination of “an amazing spectacle” and “karaoke contest.” Way to disguise your utterly cliche contempt, dude.

8:52pm - Paula Abdul’s ‘aw, shucks’ smile when Kimmel calls her out for Paula-gate is soooo not ok. I still want a real apology, dammit! Castro deserves it.

8:54pm - Michael Johns is singing “Summer of ‘69,” and suddenly, I realize his calling. Bryan Adams cover singer.

8:54pm - Look, it’s David Hernandez! Wonder if he’s back to shaking his culito at the strip clubs.

8:55pm - Jason Castro looked so uncomfortable singing that atrocious song…that’s why I love him.

8:56pm - Seeing Cookie sing “Baby You’re All That I Want”…wow. It actually makes me happy that Chris Daughtry never got this far. It would’ve pained me to see him in this position.

8:57pm - Woooo, Bryan Adams is onstage! Was he always so emaciated? Eat a burger, man.

8:59pm - Ok, Bryan Adams somehow just made American Idol cheesier than it already is. Precisely why I love the mindf*k that is this show’s Season Finale.

9:02pm - David Cook is playing guitar with ZZ Top. What? My head just exploded. This right here is why the man should WIN!

9:04pm - Cut to Blake Lewis, last season’s runner-up to Jordin Sparks. He shoves his fist in the camera to show that he’s written the letters C-O-O-K on his knuckles. He’s so rawwwk and roll.

9:05pm - Back to Misluttah–I mean, Mikalah–the reporter chick in Kansas City. It just occurred to me that in her waist-length brunette hair and shiny tube dress, she’d make an awesome Univision weather girl. Jackie Guerrido, is that you???

9:06pm - Ryan tosses it back to Brooke White, who’s duetting with some old dude from Crosby, Stills and Nash. God, how I wish I could fast forward right now.

9:09pm - The Jonas Brothers take the stage…cue the bloodcurdling screams. Sidenote: a co-worker commented today that maybe David Archuleta could go in this route with his career, but I don’t even think he’s cool enough for that. It’s sad, really.

9:13pm - This year’s William Hung, Renaldo Lapuz, takes the stage looking like George Clinton to recreate his “so-bad-it’s-good” audition and is flocked by an entire marching band. Unfathomably ridiculous.

9:15pm - Paula and Randy Jackson join the Craziest Audition of 2008 winner onstage, and Simon Cowell wisely stays in his judge’s seat. You can only separate yourself so much from this disaster, Cowell.

9:20pm - One Republic are onstage to perform “Apologize,” and I never really got sick of it, so I’m pretty hyped. Love the castanet flourishes in this song. Good thing they’re not singing their much crappier, Timbaland-less second single.

9:21pm - Ooh, Chuleta just joined them! He’s not bad on this song! Surprising, since it’s from this millennium. (Sorry Archuleta-lovers…I think he’s cute and has a beautiful tone to his voice, I just wish he really got what he’s singing about, you know? No one is in more desperate need of life experience than this freakin’ adorable kid.)

9:22pm - Poor kid looks like he won’t get the color back in his face until the conclusion of this show. Please save him before it’s too late.

9:24pm - We’re about to meet his abuelos–sweet! But first we gotta hear from the Caucausian one first. Why does his Dad’s side of the family keep stealing mami’s shine?

9:25pm - Wilfredo, a.k.a. “Willie”, is his Latino grandfather, and he looks equally confused by the news reporter’s screaming as he is by all that English. El pobre.

9:28pm - Current Idol Jordin Sparks is there to pass the torch, and she looks like an oversized Alice in Wonderland with her totally unflattering satin dress, choker and black chunky platforms. Weren’t her vocal chords bleeding just a couple of weeks ago? Jordin, no need to do me any favors by singing tonight….get some rest. I’m good!

9:34pm - Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. are singing and dancing backup for a vintage Gladys Knight clip through the power of TV magic. It’s all very funny, but all I can think about is how smokin’ hot RDJ is. Yum!

9:37pm - Carrie Underwood takes the stage. It’s basically the first performance by a contemporary superstar of the whole night, and the show’s almost over. I have no idea why she’s wearing a white tuxedo jacket as a dress.

9:43pm - Last performance by the Top 12 before the results! And Kristy Lee Cook officially gets her moment…did they purposely make her follow Carrie Underwood to demonstrate how inferior she is? Yikes.

9:44pm - Ok, this all-girl performance of George Michael’s “Faith” makes it abundantly clear that 99% of the female contestants really sucked this season.

9:45pm - The guys get the much better of the GM tracks, “Father Figure,” and they’re wearing ultra-spiffy suits, to boot. Work, fellas.

9:48pm - During this performance of “Freedom” and his earlier one-liners, Chikezie is totally proving that he should’ve gone much further in the competition than he did. I didn’t even like him at the time, but now I’m disappointed that we didn’t hear more from him.

9:50pm - Aaaaahhhh, George Michael is in the house!!! I’m guessing this is the biggest star who’ll come out tonight. Doesn’t quite match up to Prince, but it’ll do.

9:51pm - Wow, George Michael kinda sucks now.

9:53pm - When will this end?

9:54pm - No seriously, when will this end?

9:57pm - The moment has arrived. I’m SO nervous.

9:58pm - Wow. Simon just apologized to Cookie and actually admitted that he was verging on “disrespectful” with his critiques last night and virtual coronation of Chuleta. Amen! But entirely too late to not taint this vote. Simon, you screwed up in a major way.

9:59pm - Ahhhh……..the envelope is onstage.

9:59pm - I’m DYING.

10:24pm - Ok, so the past few minutes have been a blur. My apologies for the not-quite-live nature of this last entry, but when Ryan Seacrest announced that DAVID COOK IS THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL (OMG, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!!!! DEMOCRACY IS THE SH*T!!!!!), I dropped my laptop on my living room floor and started screaming, then sorta crying, then holding my hands over my face in severe shock. It was THAT serious, people. I mean, I’m the first person to admit that I am deeply, deeply invested in this show. But I never knew I’d react to this outcome in such an intense way until it actually happened…maybe because all this time, despite Cook’s amazing evolution, Archuleta’s crowning just seemed so depressingly inevitable? I don’t know. Part of me wanted to root for Chuleta, because he’s Latino, he’s like a puppy, and he was clearly raised to win this show. But the kid only blew me away on a technical level–never on a visceral one. I’m so happy, and I bet the show’s honchos are ecstatic too. They just got their credibility back.

Moments to remember from this finale? Cookie being gracious enough to say “give it up for Chuleta” and put his arm around him while singing his winning song. Chuleta singing the lyrics to the winning song under his breath while this was happening. Carly Smithson and Michael Johns looking THRILLED with the outcome. Amanda Overmeyer looking utterly bored. Cookie’s hermano closing the show by mouthing into the camera, “That’s my brother!” Awesomely brilliant TV. And that, my friends, is why Idol’s nowhere near ready to die.

Coming next week, Q&As with runners-up Syesha Mercado and David Archuleta. We’ve already got the Jason Castro interview here! And now, I will slowly return to my normal life schedule. Until next January…

-Monica

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