Great art should speak for itself, right? Bwa ha ha. Tell that to Swipe Films, who , according to Variety, is so desperate to get the attention of buyers at the Cannes Film Festival for its $4 million Russian movie Vanechka, that it’s bribing potential buyers the mother of all swag bags: $1,000 in Sisley cosmetics, a tin of the most expensive beluga caviar in the world, a bottle of Russian vodka…and a plane ticket to Moscow. All that, just for attending their screening this Saturday for what sounds like the cinematic equivalent of a trip to Siberia. (The movie’s plot: “A young girl dreaming to become an actress goes through hell with an orphan baby on her hands.”). Oh yeah, and the company briefly considered throwing in a date with a Russian model, but apparently thought it was a little too new-money Putin oligarch.

I’m sure Vladimir Lenin is spinning in his Red Square grave over all this. I, on the other hand, just wanna ask how come I never got anything for sitting through advance screenings so bad they made me wish for death. Here’s my list of the worst movies I’ve seen in the past few months, and the swag I should have gotten for it.

Punishment: Redbelt–David Mamet’s insufferably earnest tale of an principled jujitsu teacher caught in a world of crooks.

Reward: Five-year platinum deluxe membership to Equinox, the pristine gym that I had to quit this year because I’m broke. And this time, I want access to the celeb room with the keyless retina-recognition entrance.

Punishment: 27 Dresses–Real-life bitch on wheels Katherine Heigl plays a doormat who pines away for her boss, while Mr. Right is right under her snob nose.

Reward: All expenses paid non-honeymoon trip to St. Barths; right hand diamond ring to big-up my singlehood.

Punishment: Vantage Point–A forced, alarmist post-911 story about terrorists who try to kill the president, told from like 8 different points of view.

Reward: Shut down Guantanamo Bay.

Punishment: The Eye–In this Japanese remake crapfest, Jessica Alba tries to convince us a) that she can act and b) that she is a blind concert cellist who gets a double eye transplant and starts seeing dead people.

Reward: Lifetime pass to Masa Restaurant in New York, where dinner for one is $300 and sushi is flown in daily from the Sea of Japan and Alaska in plastic organ-donor containers.

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