I confess myself to be an apologetically hardcore Jane Austen fan, despite the fact that a big chunk of the society she writes about was built on the backs of Caribbean slaves like my ancestors. Oh well, I can’t help it—the writing is too witty and good, and in any case, Jane Austen’s dead, so I can’t take it up with her. I’ll save my racial outrage for 21st century people who make vomitous movies like Crash.

But I digress. The reason I’m writing about Miss Jane is that PBS’s The Complete Jane Austen, a special presentation of movie adaptations of all six Austen novels is now midway through its run. Already aired: Brand new productions of Persuasion, Mansfield Park and Northanger Abbey. as well as the 1995 A&E mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice. PBS will now take a break before airing Emma (starring Kate Beckinsale) and a new Sense and Sensibility starting on March 23.

All of these novels have been made into a gazillion movie and mini-series versions since the 1940s, so I thought I’d give you THE definitive versions of each so you can plan your very own mini-Austen festival at home. All are available on DVD and for an extra touch of geekness, listed here in the order that the books were written. Spark up that tea kettle!

Sense and Sensibility

Plot: Two suddenly poor sisters, one deep and mature (Elinor), the other a hopeless romantic (Marianne), fall in love with and lose the men of their dreams. They’re saved from broke-ass spinsterhood at the last minute.
BV: 1995 version, starring Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet and Hugh Grant. This movie has it all: Smart, Oscar-winning script, great music, stunning shooting locations, graceful directing by Ang Lee. Yeah, Emma Thompson is too old to play Elinor, but she’s a great actress and so is Kate Winslet. Pride and Prejudice

Plot: Sharp-tongued country chick Elizabeth and a rich, arrogant hottie Darcy engage in the best form of courtship: verbal sparring.
Best Version: The five-part 1995 A&E mini-series starring Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth, which is almost perfectly cast and acted. Austen adaptation master Andrew Davies’ script preserves a lot of Austen’s sparkling dialogue. Keira Knightley’s 2005 version? Heresy and bad wigs. Watchable heresy: The 1940 ultra-Hollywoodized version starring Greer Garson and the perfect Darcy: Laurence Olivier.

Northanger Abbey

Plot: Brit hick with an overactive imagination (Catherine) meets a really cute guy (Henry) with a nice sister and a scary dad, then thinks she sees ghosts in his house. That’s it.
BV: BBC’s brand-new version, which just played on PBS, starring a bunch of likeable people you don’t know, but who, thanks to a script by Andrew Davies that accepts the material for the light fun it is, have sexy fun with Austen’s weakest novel.

Mansfield Park

Plot: Goody-two-shoes Cinderella comes to live with her rich relatives who treat her like a maid—except for her cousin, Edmund, with whom she…wait for it…falls in love.
BV: The 1999 version, starring Frances O’Connor and Jonny Lee Miller (Angelina Jolie’s ex). O’Connor takes Austen’s only doormat heroine, Fanny (!) and puts a sparkle in her eye. Bonus: the film dares to tackle an issue Austen only mentions in passing: that the family’s money comes from “estates” ( ie. slave-worked plantations) in Antigua. Director Patricia Rozema goes to town on that—a little heavy-handed, but it works.

Emma

Plot: Idle-rich Emma plays matchmaker for everyone in her neighborhood, while her neglecting to see that the love of her life is right under her nose.
BV: Sorry Kate Beckinsale (whose solid mini-series version will air in March), but we’re gonna go with Gwyneth Paltrow’s 1996 version, which is bubbly and short and has costumes that look like couture. Persuasion

Plot: The happiness and beauty of Anne, daughter of a vain aristocrat, fade after she’s forced to give up her true love because he’s a nobody. Capt. Wentworth comes back rich and still bitter, but clearly still into her.
BV: The 1995 feature film starring Amanda Root and Ciaran Hinds and a great supporting cast. Subtle directing and script and the use of gorgeous Chopin music captures the more mature, melancholy tone of Austen’s last novel. The complete opposite of PBS’s atrocious new version.

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