Dear ABC People,

Your shows have taken over my life. We get it, your fall lineup is amazing. But please, “Dancing with the Stars” three nights in a row? I have plants that need watering, hair that needs washing, dishes that need doing, none of which will happen because I will be glued to my couch, watching your C-List celebrities dance their ways into my (and America’s) hearts.

Sincerely,
Vivo por TiVo

Oh well, if you can’t beat ‘em, recap ‘em:

The show started off with a little bit of a twist in that the first challenge is…men versus women! Groundbreaking. Last night the women showed off their moves, tonight, the men get to step up. Wednesday, at the Results Show, somebody goes home.

So, who are these men and women who will spend the season fighting for the top spot? The mujeres include Jenni Garth (Kelly Taylor from “Beverly Hills, 90210″), some model/actress named Josie Maran, Sabrina, one of the Disney Channel’s Cheetah Girls, Marie Osmond, Jane Seymour (remember, “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”?), and, our personal favorite, Mel B. a.k.a. Scarry Spice from the Spice Girls!

On the boy’s side, we have Cameron Mathison, host of “I Want to be a Soap Star,” who trips walking down the stairs, boxer Floyd Mayweather, Indy 500 champ Helio Castroneves, model Albert Reed, billionaire Mark Cuban, and Vegas icon Wayne Newton.

And now, for the dancing. The first challenge is a fox trot or cha-cha. Jennie Garth goes up first with her partner Derek. They dance to “Uptown Girl.” Jennie does pretty well, and the judges agree, telling her that in general her hip action is good, but her legs could use some work. Jennie and Derek go home with straight 7’s, not bad for the first number.

Josie Maran is up next. Her partner Alec hilariously points out that she is deceptively unfit for a model, and compares her body to Jell-O. Ouch! He makes Josie work out to build muscle. On the dance floor, Josie and Alec do an okay job, but the judges aren’t thrilled. They get a 16 out of 30.

Sabrina the Cheetah Girl is next, along with her partner Mark, who tries like hell to get Sabrina to stop dancing hip-hop and get her hips to move Latin-style. Good luck with that, Mark. Eventually, he gives up, and just tries to incorporate some hip-hop into the cha-cha. They dance to the Pussycat Dolls, and guess what? The crowd goes wild! Seriously, standing ovation. The judges love them too, giving them 26 out of 30.

Marie Osmond takes the stage with her partner Jonathan. They dance to “I Hear a Symphony,” some oldie we’ve never heard before. They’re not too shabby, and Marie totally charms the judges, who give them straight 7s.

The Spice Girl, Mel B, is next, and boy is she in great shape for having just had Eddie Murphy’s baby. Her partner Maks doesn’t like that she’s so dominating, and tells her she needs to let him take control. Yeah, right, Maks. Mel B doesn’t look like she lets anybody control her. Maks and Mel make it though their routine without killing each other, and get themselves straight 8s. Not too shabby.

Last, but not least, Dr. Quinn herself, Jane Seymour. She tells her partner Tony that their strategy should be “class and grace,” and that she should be like “an English rose.” So, the old British lady wants to come across as classy. Boy, that’s quite original. Anyway, Jane and Tony do their fox trot, and are actually pretty damn good, even though their choreography was kind of boring. The judges say…straight 8s.

That means Cheetah Sabrina and Mark take the lead, with a 26 out of 30 score! Tonight, the men step to the plate. Can’t wait!

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